I read a blog today by one of our fellow students and it hit me so hard that I had to write about it. Masterkeybrooke.wordpress.com wrote a blog summarizing the movie, Wild, which was part of our movie list to check out. I had watched October Sky, Cool Runnings, and Rudy; as those three were child-friendly, but had not gotten around to watching this one yet. Reading her recount this woman’s struggles and determination; “As she progressed her will to complete this challenge she set for herself got more intense. It was a minute to minute thing of her wanting to quit.” I couldn’t help but feel compassion and recognition. I, too, feel I have reached the point of no return. And with every moment that I have a vision of the old me coming back into the driver’s seat, taking the not-easy-but-familiar road, the escape artist, this roar inside of me erupts with a; NOTHING CAN RETARD MY NEW LIFE’S GROWTH. NOTHING!!!!
There is a being within me who will no longer be silenced and she bellows out her rebellion to the old ways of existing in this world at each turn, with each obstacle, at every crossroads. She is there moving me forward whether I want to ‘Do it Now’ or not. She doesn’t care about the times I didn’t get in my 3 DMP reads. She isn’t concerned with the fact that I keep putting off re-recording my audio because my DMP and PPN’s have changed. She knows that thinking, that way of assessing myself is the old blueprint and she refuses to give it her attention.
She is steadfast in her resolve to get to the other frickin’ side. She is unstoppable and I am so aware of the fact that there is absolutely NO going back. I am beyond the point of no return and I am flowing with her energy behind me, in me, all around me. She is shouting to shift my focus when I worry. She is chanting True Health and Liberty when I am preparing to sabotage my progress or retreat into a pattern of defending myself or people pleasing. I never even linked people-pleasing to a lack of liberty until today, when she began to get louder and louder in my head as I was, once again, preparing for a confrontation that may or may not ever happen. “Liberty, Liberty, LIBERTY, LIBERTY! CLAIM IT!” She says. You are free!
I have met my best friend, life long companion, biggest cheerleader, beloved, and wisest sage and it is me. Not the Cement Buddha, but me. The me that knows I answer to no one. The me that is aware of the gifts I came into this life to share. The me that understands that shining brightly does not threaten the world around me, but enhances it. The me that isn’t content with just enough, or drifting through life, or getting by, or playing small, or waiting to see. The me that claims her good, not because she earned it or is good enough, but simply because she is a piece of God, and that, in and of itself entitles her to Infinite Supply and Expression!
I have past the point of no return. And now I choose trust, because doubt never got me anywhere. I claim boundless resources, because I wasn’t created to eek along with just enough. I express love everywhere because what is there that can harm me. I experience peace because there is nothing to worry about.
I read these Achievement/Accomplishment cards that I wrote and I feel to opposing emotions. One, I am impressed. I feel impressed with all that I have done in my life. I see the bravery and courage I have displayed over and over in my choices. Two, I feel indifferent. I know I have so much more I am capable of doing, being, achieving. The burning desire is consuming me and I feel it every time I read these cards. That was the past, swimming in the river of dreams. I choose to feel impressed as much as my focus allows because I know the effect this has on my subconscious mind and my overall well being. But I keep fanning the flames of desire with my twinge of indifference that spurs me onward towards my deepest desires and the realization of my dharma.
I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy.